Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 7/10

Usually, I like to wait a day or three between seeing a movie and actually hammering out my complete thoughts on it -- this technique gives me a chance to mull it over, figure out exactly why I liked it or why I didn’t, and generally get a bit of distance on the experience that was the specified movie. Unfortunately, my super-scientific incubation period has failed. I swear I was paying attention to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull when I saw it, but in the intervening week it has in large part evanesced from my memory. And so, dear readers, you are stuck with my dawdling upon the memorable bits, as unconnected as they may be.

For the most part, though, what more do you need in an Indiana Jones movie other than “blah blah mythology blah blah awesome history professor with a whip blah blah action blah blah Cold War villains blah blah wisecracks blah blah finis”? I’m going play devil’s advocate on this one and vote for a cohesive story. All of the important pieces are there, in fine form -- myths and legends (this time taking our hero to the jungles of South America), the Soviets, lots of snark, and of course, the inimitable Indy -- there are just a lot of extraneous bits. Spielberg doesn’t just toss in the proverbial kitchen sink for kicks: he launches a veritable armada of them at the audience, for no discernible reason except that he can. Unfortunately, what this means is that for every important or interesting plot point or bit of character development, we get 20 minutes of “exciting”, glitzy, or just completely nonsensical fluff.

One fight scene, in particular, would have been better suited for a Saturday morning cartoon than to an action movie ostensibly aimed at adults, or at least the over-8 set. It goes from “cool idea” to “bye-bye anything approaching realism” to “gosh, what are they going to do next? CG in some rubbery legs to really heighten the stretchy effect?” to “bored now” pretty quickly, but the fight continues for about 5 minutes past that. Luckily, after this over-done wallow in juvenile action, Indiana bounces back and returns to a much more palatable form.

Really, for all the snazzy special effects and well-choreographed action, it’s not the reason we’re paying to see this specific action movie. It’s Indiana Jones, and dammit, I want Indiana! Luckily, the movie delivers -- hat and whip intact. Harrison Ford is older, the character himself is older, and it’s nice to see that the script ages both appropriately, both on the timeline (it’s now the 1950s and we’ve traded Russians for Nazis) and in the way the character reacts to the world around him. Make no mistake -- he’s still bad-ass. He’s just a little arthritic, which, interestingly, is not a bad thing.

The rest of the cast, as well, lives up to the campiness of their surroundings, with Cate Blanchett especialloy sinking her teeth into her “wubble-Us” as a Soviet commander interested in psychic warfare and totally rocking a pseudo-dominatrix look, supremely bad haircut excepted. Also, much to my dear fellow reviewer’s delight, Shia LeBoeuf really is in this movie and almost out-Brandos Brando, circa The Wild One (perhaps this is more for my enjoyment than Paul’s -- his is a more intellectual satisfaction at once again having The Truth proven) [PCW: He's in EVERYTHING. I swear I saw him wandering around in the background of The Constant Gardener]. And Karen Allen pops up again, aging gracefully and oh, so sassily as the love of Indiana’s life. I’m glad they brought her back. She definitely adds spice to the movie. They make a good pair, and I’m endlessly glad they didn’t throw in some hot young number for Indy to lust after -- Marion, middle-aged as she may be, is infinitely better than any nymphet.

I’m still a little bit thrown by the denouement, involving aliens with crystal skeletons (their rib cages are gorgeous! I’m serious.) and what I think was a quadruple-backstabbing, but this is an Indiana Jones movie. It all made some kind of mushy sense in the end.

Is it realistic? Hell no. Is it fun? Oh, yea. Will you remember 85% of the plot twists a day after you walk out of the theatre? Probably not. Will you go home and end up watching the original trilogy and hearken back to the glory days? I hope so.