Point-by-Point: Kill'em All - 2/10

A group of assassins is rounded up and forced to do battle. Why? That's never satisfactorily answered. 

The Good: This is a tough one. I guess there are a few nice shots of Bangkok. It also doesn't waste a lot of time getting to it's point.

The Bad: You'd think a movie about 8 assassins with different backgrounds and fighting styles killing each other would be exciting, but this movie is excruciatingly boring. The characters are entirely forgettable, and they all fight in basically the same way. I mean, you have to actively TRY to be boring to screw up this premise. I hate you, Kill'em All, for making me nostalgic for The Quest. Remember? The Van Damme movie? Featuring a tournament of deadly fighters from across the globe? No, the other one. That wasn't GOOD, but it was at least fun to watch. Kill'em All was not.

The Ugly: The set. I know the official description says they're locked in a "high-tech bunker known as the Killing Chamber," but that's awfully grandiose. I was thinking something like the X-Men's Danger Room, but it's basically a basement in an abandoned building that has a pipe for gas to come in. That's it. Disappointing.

Points Pondered

-It doesn't really seem fair to pit an assassin who specializes in explosives against one that has trained for years in hand-to-hand combat. Of course, he manages to hold his own, because this movie is dumb.

-For some reason, they decide to kill the most interesting assassins off first. Would have been too exciting, otherwise. 

-"Hey, now he's fighting like a monkey!" Oh, The Quest. 

-While you watch this movie (which you really shouldn't do), keep in mind that the main bad guy had all of these deadly assassins unconscious and totally helpless at two points during this ordeal. The fun begins when you try and reconcile that with the villain's ultimate plan. 

Haiku: Night of the Creeps 2/10

Worst of 80s horror
and teen comedy combined
Why do I hate me?

Point by Point: Nightscare 2/10

Elizabeth Hurley is a psychiatrist (ha!) testing a dream-altering drug on her and the psychopath in the mental ward she works at. Instead of having the desired evil-quashing effect, the drug makes their dreams real. People die, and the original cop who caught our killer is forced to intervene, as he and Ms. Hurley muddle their way through a 2nd and 3rd act that make no sense.

The Good: Elizabeth Hurley almost gets naked. That is the sole good thing about this movie.

The Bad: This movie is a series of events happening with no explanation, followed by people talking about how weird what just happened was. Now, there are movies out there that effectively blend dreams with reality - this one does not. By the last half hour the director has completely given up on trying to show what's real and what's not, which makes the movie amazingly frustrating, confusing and boring. Plus the acting kinda sucks.

The Ugly: Our villain imagines a rotund and yet scantily clad nurse doing something to him with her closed hand. And then they reshow the last 2 seconds of the scene (him smiling grossly) after the credits, because I really needed to see him get off on it twice.

Points Pondered

• Elizabeth Hurley definitely got better as an actor. However she was always hot.


• When capturing the killer the first time around, the hero-cop was forced to shoot what I thought was his wife, but really looked and acted more like his mother (she comes back to life. Because the bad guy dreamed it. She makes tea.)


• If Elizabeth Hurley spent as much time shirtless as our main hero, this would have been a MUCH better movie.

Point by Point: Village of the Damned (1995) 2/10

A remake by John Carpenter of the creepy classic, the story pretty much stays the same - Everyone in a small town blacks out and wakes up hours later. Within a few weeks, it seems all women of child-bearing age in the town are pregnant. They have children who quickly develop into white-haired, hyper-logical, mind-controling devil-kids. But perhaps it's not the devil . . .

The Good: Well, it doesn't COMPLETELY ruin the original movie.

The Bad: But it sure tried to. The casting / acting is sub-par, with Christopher Reeves the only one doing anything resembling a good job, and that's only if you like his style. The soundtrack is distractingly made-for-tv bad. While the first movie kept the story tight and the kids scary, this one wanders all over the place and has the kids almost parodying the oirginal ones. Plus, the colored eyes when the kids are doing their mind control thing are far less frightening than the all-white of the first film.

The Ugly: It's a toss up between a man who passes out on a grill for hours and Kristie Alley's performance. She really is THAT bad.

Points Pondered

• People take it in stride that the kids grow up abnormally fast, are super-smart and seem to be able to read minds. However, they can't figure why all these people seem to have accidents around the children. They are just SHOCKED to find out that they're being forced to commit suicide. These people are idiots.


• It's too bad this is the last movie Christopher Reeves did before his accident. Not Raul Julia Street Figher tragic, but still.


• I always thought of John Carpenter as an awesome director, but then I actually looked at his filmography. Pretty much the definition of hit or miss. Still, he gave us They Live and The Thing (not to mention Snake Plissken) so I guess he's still cool.